Monday, January 31, 2011
A hard heart
I've been struggling with a hard heart. Have you ever felt that your heart is hard? Lacking compassion, softness? I'm sure I've felt this before in my life, but it has never been so apparent to me as now. Because when you have a hard heart in relation to your kids, it hurts. I can't figure out exactly what leads to this feeling, and it doens't much matter to me. What matters is that I soften my heart, so I can be fully present for and loving toward my children. I'm trying yoga. I love it. When my heart is hard, the poses that open the heart are quite painful. My chest and ribs are sore for days. Maybe a physical reminder to keep my heart open and soft?
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2 comments:
My darling, dearest Catherine,
Your heart is not hard! It is sad and in pain. You will conquer and feel the softness that is the true nature of your heart.
With much love, Mom
Catherine,
I know what you mean. I am often the meanest to the ones I love the most. I see this behavior in myself, in my clients. It is quite confusing to me. Why would I maintain a veneer of civility with a complete stranger but not with my wife or Braeden or my mom?
I once worked with a young child who lost his mom in a some sort of gang violence. He was drawing a picture of himself and where the heart should have been was a great big black hole. He told me that since his mom died there was nothing but a black hole there now. He said the hole would never be different. The hole would be there forever. It was too much for me. Too sad. I tried to reassure him that his heart would not always be that way, which prompted him to stop talking to me.
My supervisor later assured me that really all we could hope to do was hear his story. Let him express himself and be empathic. Little by little she assured me he would distribute that pain - if he was brave and courage and kept telling his story - that hole would fill back up, in time. The key she said was to keep distributing that pain.
With love,
Brac
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