Upcoming Surgery

We got the confirmation letter today that Ben is scheduled for surgery next Friday, August 19th.  We have to be there at 6am for his 7:30am surgery.  The letter explained how we may or may not be with him while he goes under - depending on the anaesthesiologist's determination.  The letter explained that, in some cases, the child becomes agitated while being put under and really benefits from a parent being there to comfort him.  I've been with Ben before while he's put under anaesthesia.  This letter explained it all in such a matter-of-fact way.  But I remember holding him while the mask is put over his face, him looking me in the eye, not knowing that we were drugging him to sleep.  I remember watching him drift off to sleep and not being able to hold back my tears, crying uncontrollably.  It reminded me of putting my dog to sleep.  There's always a risk with surgery, albeit a very small one, that the child will never wake up.  Right?  Doctors out there, tell me I'm wrong.  It is panic-inducing. 

I know that we are doing the right thing.  I know that this is the best option for Ben.  I know that, if it works, it will be so much better than flooding his brain with drugs.  Drugs that are severely affecting Ben's ability to function.  We take for granted that the world is represented to us in a certain way.  Have you been on drugs that significantly altered your perception?  Can you imagine having to live that way all the time?  He doesn't even know what it's like to not be on drugs.  Ben has continuously been on drugs since he was 14 weeks old.

I'm scared to death and this letter didn't help.  Part of me doesn't want to OK the surgery because I'm scared.  Scared to tears.  Although I know this is Ben's best chance of getting some relief from the seizures, I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself in the off chance that something goes wrong.  After all, they call this 'elective' surgery.