Gratitude

Back in March, when I was very low, my dad suggested keeping a gratitude journal.  I loved the idea because I really wanted to focus on something positive at the time.  With dad's help, I wrote something every day.  Dad helped me by sharing his own daily gratitudes.  But, try as I might, I couldn't muster authentic gratitude.  I felt like I was cheating.  I had heard that if you fake it, eventually you might start feeling it.  So I persisted.  But I never felt it.  Not only that, but I started feeling angry that I was supposed to come up with something to be grateful for.  So I stopped.

Lately, gratitude has filled my heart - so much so that I can really feel it.  My heart feels so full.  It's an unfamiliar feeling.

I am so incredibly grateful that my mom and dad moved down the street from me.  Last night, I walked to their house to put out the trash cans for them while they are traveling.  After putting out the trash cans, I walked into their house to bring in some laundry that was delivered. I was overcome with gratitude that they lived so close, that I could walk to their house, and, even in their absence, feel their love and support; that they gave up their dream of living in Colorado to be near me and my family. 

This afternoon, I was so incredibly grateful that I could make Ben laugh, really belly laugh, at my facial expressions and my tickling.  He is so much fun to be around.  He's interacting with us, he's laughing with us, he's really here with us.  Seeing the recognition in his eyes is priceless.  Priceless.

Chloe hugged me last night and said, "Mom, you are the most special person in my life and I love you more than anyone else who loves you".  What?!  Is she 4 or 94?  She is a bottomless source of love and I'm ashamed to say that I haven't always been able to receive her love.  Right now I can and I'm so incredibly grateful for that.  It's true that children don't judge you, they only love you.  Chloe has given me that gift since she was born.  She is an amazing being.

And, of course, there's my husband, Aaron.  He is steadfast and loving.  He tries so hard to do what his family needs him to do.  There are times when Chloe yells at him, and I yell at him.  He takes Ben to the floor to do his exercises and educates him about us females :).  (we don't listen)  He takes us all for who we are, and we love him for it. 

It's a whole different world to me again.  I don't have to fake my gratitude, I really, really feel it and it feels wonderful.